9-27-11

"wow, she looks so different...she looks so happy in all these pictures..."  Yeah dad, that's life.  That's what life does.

It takes you as a baby when you're innocent, happy, all smiles (mostly...I mean you obviously aren't all smiles when you're wet, hungry or tired) and then life gets a hold of you and fucks every thing up.

Your imagination: obliviated.  Your free time: run over by homework or work, etc.  Your love for everyone: ruined by judgmental thoughts.  Your innocence: ruined by knowledge.

Tonight, between now (8:00 P.M.) and midnight, one of my close friends will be getting a kidney transplant...

It's scary to think about.  What happens if it doesn't go right?  What happens if her body rejects it?

I'm always told that i can't think of the 'what ifs'  But how can you now?  They come second nature to me.  I always find myself wondering what life would've been like if this happened, or that happened, or what would change if this happened instead of this.

Sometimes I wish that instead of living in Westville, then Township, then Poland I had just grown up in Poland.  I wish i could've had those friends that i've known since third grade, or pre-k.

But then what?  I mean I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason and that life gives you what it think it needs and it makes you endure what you do because you need to.

I wish I was someone else.  I wish I didn't have to deal with the struggles I deal with one a regular basis but I do.  I wish it was all easy.

I don't know if I can ever be happy with what I've currently got.  I hate the way I look and I'm too fucking weak to do anything about it.  I hate it, and I see all these skinny pretty girls on a regular basis and it just makes me hate myself more.  It makes me want to die because I don't think I could ever be like them.

I hate it, and I hate myself because of it.