"wow, she looks so different...she looks so happy in all these pictures..." Yeah dad, that's life. That's what life does.
It takes you as a baby when you're innocent, happy, all smiles (mostly...I mean you obviously aren't all smiles when you're wet, hungry or tired) and then life gets a hold of you and fucks every thing up.
Your imagination: obliviated. Your free time: run over by homework or work, etc. Your love for everyone: ruined by judgmental thoughts. Your innocence: ruined by knowledge.
Tonight, between now (8:00 P.M.) and midnight, one of my close friends will be getting a kidney transplant...
It's scary to think about. What happens if it doesn't go right? What happens if her body rejects it?
I'm always told that i can't think of the 'what ifs' But how can you now? They come second nature to me. I always find myself wondering what life would've been like if this happened, or that happened, or what would change if this happened instead of this.
Sometimes I wish that instead of living in Westville, then Township, then Poland I had just grown up in Poland. I wish i could've had those friends that i've known since third grade, or pre-k.
But then what? I mean I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason and that life gives you what it think it needs and it makes you endure what you do because you need to.
I wish I was someone else. I wish I didn't have to deal with the struggles I deal with one a regular basis but I do. I wish it was all easy.
I don't know if I can ever be happy with what I've currently got. I hate the way I look and I'm too fucking weak to do anything about it. I hate it, and I see all these skinny pretty girls on a regular basis and it just makes me hate myself more. It makes me want to die because I don't think I could ever be like them.
I hate it, and I hate myself because of it.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
9-14-11
Dear Mommy,
I love you dearly, and while I understand where you're coming from, you're about a week late.
Love your first born,
Allie
Okay so tonight(like ten minutes ago) my mother decided to give me another one of her 'you need to loose weight so you don't end up unhappy like me' heart-to-hearts.
Yes I do love my mother, very much, but I hate, hate, HATE these conversations. They always make me kinda pissy because it's like you want me to loose weight but you won't stop buying junk food, you won't get me a personal trainer, you won't get me a membership to the gym.
Like seriously!?!?! I know that my sisters can eat all the shit they want and I know I have to loose weight so I can be happy with myself but seriously? I hate these conversations. And before you all go and say "omg you hate yourself? you need a therapist" or "you should love yourself for who you are in the INSIDE!!!" give me a break, I love myself, I'm not going to go kill myself.
But I can NOT be happy looking like this, I can't feel good wearing ugly clothes and constantly worrying if my rolls are jiggling or if my shirt got caught in them again. I wanna just be able to look down at myself and feel kinda good. I know self-esteem is what makes you feel happy about yourself, but I need this to give me a boost.
It also doesn't help that things like high-blood pressure, asthma, cancer, diabetes, etc. run in my family. Oh joy! How lucky am I and everyone else with this blood!?!
Okay sarcasm over, for now...
Hmmm What do I want right now?
I want to be able to wear a bikini. They're sexy. Nuff said : ]
I want to be able to wear an amazingly gorgeous prom dress. NEXT YEAR!!!!
And I want a senior trip to wear said bikini at. Hmmm any comments on how to talk my principles into this? Blaghhh. I wish I had a genie right now.
I love you dearly, and while I understand where you're coming from, you're about a week late.
Love your first born,
Allie
Okay so tonight(like ten minutes ago) my mother decided to give me another one of her 'you need to loose weight so you don't end up unhappy like me' heart-to-hearts.
Yes I do love my mother, very much, but I hate, hate, HATE these conversations. They always make me kinda pissy because it's like you want me to loose weight but you won't stop buying junk food, you won't get me a personal trainer, you won't get me a membership to the gym.
Like seriously!?!?! I know that my sisters can eat all the shit they want and I know I have to loose weight so I can be happy with myself but seriously? I hate these conversations. And before you all go and say "omg you hate yourself? you need a therapist" or "you should love yourself for who you are in the INSIDE!!!" give me a break, I love myself, I'm not going to go kill myself.
But I can NOT be happy looking like this, I can't feel good wearing ugly clothes and constantly worrying if my rolls are jiggling or if my shirt got caught in them again. I wanna just be able to look down at myself and feel kinda good. I know self-esteem is what makes you feel happy about yourself, but I need this to give me a boost.
It also doesn't help that things like high-blood pressure, asthma, cancer, diabetes, etc. run in my family. Oh joy! How lucky am I and everyone else with this blood!?!
Okay sarcasm over, for now...
Hmmm What do I want right now?
I want to be able to wear a bikini. They're sexy. Nuff said : ]
I want to be able to wear an amazingly gorgeous prom dress. NEXT YEAR!!!!
And I want a senior trip to wear said bikini at. Hmmm any comments on how to talk my principles into this? Blaghhh. I wish I had a genie right now.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
9-10-11
I don't know how someone could hate one group of people enough to kill them. Especially if there's no specific reason for them to hate you. Like you didn't go and pillage their people. You didn't rape their maidens and steal their young men for war. In fact that sounds like something from before Christ up until the 1700s-early 1800s.
If you haven't figured out what I'm talking about look at the date again. And think, what happened around this time? What was so horrible that I could talk about such horrid things?
A ton of people my age(16) or even a little younger or older who don't really remember that day blow it off. They act like it's nothing, but in reality it was absolutely horrible.
I'm not saying all young people are like this, in fact I really don't know many but there are a few.
Tonight I'm focusing on hatred.
What were those terrorists thinking? What did they wish to achieve by killing all those people. Thousands of them. Thousands. I think I learned somewhere that they wished to achieve the equivalent of Christan 'Sainthood'. In my religion, Episcopalian, I was always taught to never kill a soul. That in taking another persons life(purposefully of course) I was automatically destined to be sent to hell.
Currently I'm watching(well it just ended) "Flight 93". What were those people thinking? Were they afraid? Nervous? Determined? I'd like to think that if I were one of them I'd have the same courage to take over that plane and seal my fate then. I'd like to think that I would have the courage to throw away my life to save tens, hundreds, thousands of others. I may never know, and I pray to God that I don't have to, but if I do find out someday I hope that my courage will live on and that people will learn from it.
Tonight, if I had one wish that I could make it would be for world peace. It would be for everyone to love one another and for the hatred to end.
In my life I've had those people who hated me. Because I was fat, a girl, my ethnicity, my race, my religion, kinda well off in life. There's been so many people. And I'll admit, there's people that I've hated. But I can't base my life on that, I can't dwell on hatreds and evils that circulate my life.
My newest challenge for myself is to forgive others for their hatred towards my and forgive those who have caused me to hate them.
Watching all these shows on 9-11 made me realize that these people have forgiven the terrorists(not all of them, but quite a lot). It made me think that if they can do it, than I can to. I can forgive those who have caused me harm and distress.
My harm hasn't been nearly as much as these people, to me it may feel like the world ended, but in reality my world didn't and there's people who have their world end every day. I'm lucky to get to live another day, to get to breathe another breath, to start another journey, to not know this suffering that others do.
I know everyone's going to ask you "what do you remember from that day?" and everyone has a different story. Mine is that I went to school like normal. I was in first grade and my school was finishing a new wing so my class and another first grade class was in the music room. I don't remember seeing anything happen, everything was going on as normal, I guess the three teachers in the room(Mine: Mrs. Eldenberg, the other first grade teacher and the music teacher, I can't remember the other two names but I can see their faces clear as day) were acting a bit strange but being a very unobservant person at the time I didn't really notice at the time. It wasn't until after school that I knew something was wrong. My dad took me out to philly, we parked in a parking lot and he began the conversation by saying "Today something horrible happened." We had just visited my family in Alabama so I thought that my late eighty or 90-something year old grandfather had passed away. I had been very naiive in thinking that only old people died and that they died in thier sleep. I was obviously wrong. As I was told I don't really remember understanding but my dad said "Some men had taken over three planes and had crashed them into buildings". I didn't get it, I didn't understand how something this horrible could happen, how someone could kill that many people. I still don't, I still don't understand how that could happen.
I'm learning to forgive all those who caused this and everyone else in my life that needs to be forgiven. I'm working on this.
If you haven't figured out what I'm talking about look at the date again. And think, what happened around this time? What was so horrible that I could talk about such horrid things?
A ton of people my age(16) or even a little younger or older who don't really remember that day blow it off. They act like it's nothing, but in reality it was absolutely horrible.
I'm not saying all young people are like this, in fact I really don't know many but there are a few.
Tonight I'm focusing on hatred.
What were those terrorists thinking? What did they wish to achieve by killing all those people. Thousands of them. Thousands. I think I learned somewhere that they wished to achieve the equivalent of Christan 'Sainthood'. In my religion, Episcopalian, I was always taught to never kill a soul. That in taking another persons life(purposefully of course) I was automatically destined to be sent to hell.
Currently I'm watching(well it just ended) "Flight 93". What were those people thinking? Were they afraid? Nervous? Determined? I'd like to think that if I were one of them I'd have the same courage to take over that plane and seal my fate then. I'd like to think that I would have the courage to throw away my life to save tens, hundreds, thousands of others. I may never know, and I pray to God that I don't have to, but if I do find out someday I hope that my courage will live on and that people will learn from it.
Tonight, if I had one wish that I could make it would be for world peace. It would be for everyone to love one another and for the hatred to end.
In my life I've had those people who hated me. Because I was fat, a girl, my ethnicity, my race, my religion, kinda well off in life. There's been so many people. And I'll admit, there's people that I've hated. But I can't base my life on that, I can't dwell on hatreds and evils that circulate my life.
My newest challenge for myself is to forgive others for their hatred towards my and forgive those who have caused me to hate them.
Watching all these shows on 9-11 made me realize that these people have forgiven the terrorists(not all of them, but quite a lot). It made me think that if they can do it, than I can to. I can forgive those who have caused me harm and distress.
My harm hasn't been nearly as much as these people, to me it may feel like the world ended, but in reality my world didn't and there's people who have their world end every day. I'm lucky to get to live another day, to get to breathe another breath, to start another journey, to not know this suffering that others do.
I know everyone's going to ask you "what do you remember from that day?" and everyone has a different story. Mine is that I went to school like normal. I was in first grade and my school was finishing a new wing so my class and another first grade class was in the music room. I don't remember seeing anything happen, everything was going on as normal, I guess the three teachers in the room(Mine: Mrs. Eldenberg, the other first grade teacher and the music teacher, I can't remember the other two names but I can see their faces clear as day) were acting a bit strange but being a very unobservant person at the time I didn't really notice at the time. It wasn't until after school that I knew something was wrong. My dad took me out to philly, we parked in a parking lot and he began the conversation by saying "Today something horrible happened." We had just visited my family in Alabama so I thought that my late eighty or 90-something year old grandfather had passed away. I had been very naiive in thinking that only old people died and that they died in thier sleep. I was obviously wrong. As I was told I don't really remember understanding but my dad said "Some men had taken over three planes and had crashed them into buildings". I didn't get it, I didn't understand how something this horrible could happen, how someone could kill that many people. I still don't, I still don't understand how that could happen.
I'm learning to forgive all those who caused this and everyone else in my life that needs to be forgiven. I'm working on this.
Monday, September 5, 2011
9-05-11
Here's what I want:
I want a boyfriend, not just any boyfriend, a guy who will text me once in a while and tell me that he loves me. One that will sense that I am upset and run out and get me something small like a chocolate bar. One who will be happy just being with me and not having to go out or do anything, just sit and talk and be with me.
I want to feel happy. I don't think I've really felt happy for a long long long time. I actually can't truly remember a time when I felt truly happy with myself.
I want cute clothes. I hate ninety percent of my clothes in my wardrobe, they're ugly and make me look like I have no hips\waist. I want to be able to wear a bikini and feel good in it(not have to worry about my THUNDER THIGHS!)
But most of all, right now, I JUST WANT TO BE DONE MY AP SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS!
Haha okay so the last one didn't really fit into the category of the other three but what ever. That's what I want right now. And one of those things I should be doing currently(can you guess what one?).
Well this is me. I am Allie, Alexandra really but no one calls me that, I used to be Alex, but I'm rarely called that anymore, and this is me. My mother once told me that in losing weight I'd find myself, I don't really understand what she means(except the obvious, that I'm hiding under a hundred pounds of fat and I need to find the good looking girl within) but this is me trying to figure out exactly what she means and trying to find out who I am.
I am a sister, a bestfriend, a cousin, a neice, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a great-grand-daughter, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a nurse when need be, a mother to my adorable dog Rocky, an ex-girlfriend, a student, a wannabe chef...I could go on for ever, but I won't.
I know all these things, but in truth, I don't know myself. I find myself looking in the mirror at times and thinking, who are you? who is that face staring back at me? and most importantly: how did I let myself get this way?
This is me trying to find out the answer to all those questions. And some others I stumble upon in my journey.
Now I really need to finish my AP Assignments because they're due tomorrow and I only have one of three finished : \
I want a boyfriend, not just any boyfriend, a guy who will text me once in a while and tell me that he loves me. One that will sense that I am upset and run out and get me something small like a chocolate bar. One who will be happy just being with me and not having to go out or do anything, just sit and talk and be with me.
I want to feel happy. I don't think I've really felt happy for a long long long time. I actually can't truly remember a time when I felt truly happy with myself.
I want cute clothes. I hate ninety percent of my clothes in my wardrobe, they're ugly and make me look like I have no hips\waist. I want to be able to wear a bikini and feel good in it(not have to worry about my THUNDER THIGHS!)
But most of all, right now, I JUST WANT TO BE DONE MY AP SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS!
Haha okay so the last one didn't really fit into the category of the other three but what ever. That's what I want right now. And one of those things I should be doing currently(can you guess what one?).
Well this is me. I am Allie, Alexandra really but no one calls me that, I used to be Alex, but I'm rarely called that anymore, and this is me. My mother once told me that in losing weight I'd find myself, I don't really understand what she means(except the obvious, that I'm hiding under a hundred pounds of fat and I need to find the good looking girl within) but this is me trying to figure out exactly what she means and trying to find out who I am.
I am a sister, a bestfriend, a cousin, a neice, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a great-grand-daughter, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a nurse when need be, a mother to my adorable dog Rocky, an ex-girlfriend, a student, a wannabe chef...I could go on for ever, but I won't.
I know all these things, but in truth, I don't know myself. I find myself looking in the mirror at times and thinking, who are you? who is that face staring back at me? and most importantly: how did I let myself get this way?
This is me trying to find out the answer to all those questions. And some others I stumble upon in my journey.
Now I really need to finish my AP Assignments because they're due tomorrow and I only have one of three finished : \
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)